Are you mad at me? : how to stop focusing on what others think and start living for you / Meg Josephson, LCSW.

Enhanced descriptions from Syndetics:

Instant New York Times Bestseller

From psychotherapist and social media star Meg Josephson, a groundbreaking "cure for chronic people-pleasing" (Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author) that explores the common survival instinct called fawning and offers "explanations, comfort, and best of all, solutions" (Christie Tate, New York Times bestselling author).

Are you...

- Constantly worried about what people think of you, if they like you, if they're mad at you?
- The eldest daughter and/or the angry daughter?
- Anxious, a perfectionist, or an overachiever?
- Always overextending yourself (and then resentful)?
- Someone who avoids conflict at all costs?
- Fearful of getting into trouble or being seen as "bad"?
- Silencing your needs for the comfort and happiness of everyone else?
- Prone to overexplain or over apologize?
- Eternally obsessing over why someone texted with a period instead of an exclamation point?

Psychotherapist Meg Josephson is here to show you that people-pleasing is not a personality trait. It's a common survival mechanism known as "fawning": an instinct often learned in childhood to become more appealing to a perceived threat in order to feel safe. Yet many people are stuck in this way of being for their whole lives. Are You Mad at Me? weaves Josephson's own moving story with that of fascinating client stories and thought-provoking exercises to show you how to:

- Identify all the roles you might play--from peacekeeper to performer to caretaker to lone wolf to perfectionist to chameleon--that keep you far from yourself.
- Stop fearing your thoughts and emotions, even if they're unpleasant.
- Rethink conflict and boundaries as an opening for deeper connection.
- Practice "leaning back" in relationships.
- Recognize when people-pleasing is actually necessary (with your chaotic boss) and when it's not (with your close friends) and stop self-loathing when you slip into old patterns.
- Shift away from the familiar chaos, anxiety, and resentment you're used to as you move closer to yourself and a life that no longer depletes you--but brings you joy.

With Josephson's "lucid prose and smart mix of clinical expertise, personal disclosure, and pertinent case studies" ( Publishers Weekly ), Are You Mad at Me? will help you shed the behaviors that are keeping you stuck in the past so that you can live in your most authentic present.

Table of contents provided by Syndetics

• Author's Note (viii)
• Introduction (x)
• Chapter 1 The Other F-Word (8)
• Chapter 2 Now & Then (26)
• Chapter 3 Permission to Heal (62)
• Chapter 4 You Are Not Your Thoughts (84)
• Chapter 5 Emotions Aren't the Problem (110)
• Chapter 6 This Is Exhausting (138)
• Chapter 7 Nothing Is Personal (168)
• Chapter 8 Conflict Is Like Death (It's Inevitable) (190)
• Chapter 9 Rebranding Boundaries (224)
• Chapter 10 Who Are You? (Yes, You) (256)
• Chapter 11 Healing Is an Act of Service (280)
• Acknowledgments (289)
• Notes (292)

Reviews provided by Syndetics

Library Journal Review

In her first book, psychotherapist Josephson explores people's need to regularly confirm that others aren't angry or upset with them. Explaining that she, too, is a person who feels this need, the author unearths different reasons for why one might fear conflict or be inclined to be a people-pleaser. For example, children who live in homes where they are neglected or where there is a high level of dysfunction and conflict may develop sensitivities to others' moods because it helps keep them safe. Josephson explains that behavior that was once protective may no longer be useful once a person is out of that turbulent environment, and she suggests ways to train oneself out of such reactions, including dealing with thoughts mindfully and working through the pain that led to the need for hypervigilance. Josephson also discusses allowing oneself to feel and acknowledge emotions, how to calm down in moments of high emotion, setting boundaries, and becoming more comfortable with uncomfortable situations. VERDICT Recommended for popular psychology collections. Given Josephson's focus on a common problem and her emphasis on potential solutions, this book seems likely to circulate well.--Amber Gray

Publishers Weekly Review

Psychotherapist Josephson debuts with a cogent exploration of the least-known yet "arguably most common" threat response: fawning. Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning, or "being helpful and agreeable to the threat so that you can feel safe," has been "overlooked in our society because it's so largely rewarded," Josephson contends, noting that people pleasers get promotions and those who prioritize others' needs are lauded as selfless. But fawning also means disconnecting from one's own emotions and needs, which fuels "self-criticism and self-loathing." Overcoming the fawning response requires self-forgiveness and self-love, subject matter covered in countless other titles. Yet Josephson's lucid prose and smart mix of clinical expertise, personal disclosure, and pertinent case studies makes for a uniquely actionable resource. She also provides an insightful look at the cultural factors that influence fawning, explaining that in a white-dominated, patriarchal society, women and minorities are socialized to be agreeable in order to win the favor of the powerful. Recovering people pleasers will find plenty to chew on. (Aug.)